Why go to the trouble of re-claiming family?
For many LDA's the idea of family has been tainted. "Family" was taken from us, but as healing adults, we can choose to re-claim this part of our lives. Many of our families have fallen short of the ideal values many of us attach to the concept of what a family "should" be. The concept of our families re-claiming us is a common one post discovery; many LDA's feel insecure and wonder if their adopted or biological family members will still "claim" them. Many of us feel a long lasting sense of betrayal, mistrust, and powerlessness as a result of being deceived for many years; we can begin to feel like "victims" waiting for our families to finally "get it" and participate in healing.
Reflect on what is important to you:
What does the ideal family value? Below are a number of values that may come to mind. See which ones resonate with you, and perhaps you can think of a few to add.
Honesty Love Happiness Compassion Humility Loyalty Gratitude Kindness Generosity Sincerity Acceptance Empathy Persistence Forgiveness...
Inner Family:
Please close your eyes and call to mind those individuals that fit your ideal. These people could be alive or dead, past or present, adopted or biological family, friends, colleagues, anyone who holds a place of importance for you, in that you admire their qualities and their role in a familial way. Please express this using any medium you like.
Current Family:
Consider the following questions and then create something that reflects whatever comes up for you. What is your current family situation? Who are you close to or distanced from? Are there members that you desire a different type of relationship with? Take note of any traumas affecting various members? Ponder how these traumas may have affected their development as people? Do you have friends or associates that feel like family? Take note of the qualities you both appreciate and do not appreciate in specific family members? This about honoring what and who matters TO YOU!
Reflection:
Take time to process your responses. Allow a safe space for any feelings that come up before continuing with the final part of this activity.
Re-write and Re-claim your Family:
My Inner Family:
inner family reflections:
I felt surprised by the few qualities present in my Inner Family piece; it boils down to my needing to feel safe, comfortable, and honored, wherever I am in my process or development. A few things came up that are clearly missing from my current family situation! A few non-blood friends that are like family came to mind; people who have been warm and dependable; these ones create an internal map of what I desire my relationships be.
Connect:
Take time and space to process your responses. Please consider if sharing your work with others would feel helpful for you.
After reflecting on what you've expressed about family thus far, re-write and re-claim Family. Re-write your own definition of FAMILY. Re-claim your FAMILY. Recall the concept of polarity; it is possible to both accept and reject the same individual OR to accept or reject specific aspects of a person; if this feels too judgmental, please just hold a space for any feelings that come up and know that this exercise is about inspiring you to tap into the part of you that holds the power to speak your truth and create something new.Create something expressing this. Deeply tap into your intuition and emotions.
My Current Family:
current family reflections:
The faces that felt harsh, disgusted, or judgmental were the most appealing to me; images of hiding, peeking, and disjointedness. I added meaningful words related to my current experience. I also spent some time thinking about individual family members who have survived great traumas; I reflected on their journeys and resulting limitations. I noticed many mixed and conflicting feelings arising in me; hurt and anger, compassion and forgiveness, impatience and ambivalence.
My reflections on Re-defining and re-claiming My Family:
I have intentionally refrained from sharing my re-defined and re-claimed family because I believe that one will benefit the most from doing this from a fresh personal perspective.
Comparing my Inner and Current Family allowed my values to surface and become more clear, hopefully, that will be the case for you as well.